2 years ago
I can’t begin to tell you how many miles I have walked. I can’t express how far my travels have taken me. Not in a way that any of you could ever understand or relate too. This isn’t a pissing contest to see who has taken the bumpier road. I know there are many people who have had trials that make mine look like child’s play. However each road effects each person in a different way, so no two are the same.
I know I can keep pushing forward, I know I can take another turn. I know I talk a tough game and wear a strong face when I’m around people. I have been compared and nicknamed “superman” on more occasions than I can count. I have been that guy who you “just can’t kill” to a lot of people. However, just because I have the ability to put up a good front, doesn’t mean I’m strong. All it means is that I’ve had practice.
My head is numb. My eyes are red. My soul is weak. My hearts like lead. Anymore, there is nothing that makes it go away. I’ve tried so many different methods of erasing these feelings. I’ve taken so many different roads. None of them have taken me to the place I used to know. Each one of them leads to the same empty place that I find myself standing in right now.
I’m tired. I feel helpless. I feel beaten. I once swore to myself that no matter how hard things ever got, I would never stop, I would never give up. Though I guess everyone has a breaking point, and this wouldn’t be the first promise I would have broken it seems. Before any of you start freaking out and worrying or calling me “emo” or what ever, I’m not talking about suicide, I’m not even toying with those sort of thoughts.
To put it simply, I’m just tired. I have no drive left in me. I have no reason to continue fighting this uphill battle. I have no desire to keep walking towards a destination I know I will never reach. I want to sit down right here, find a semi-comfortable place to rest my head and just sleep. I don’t wish to be woken up either.
I have done this to myself in one way or another. I can’t blame how I feel on anyone but myself. Each individual is in charge of their own emotions. I won’t play the victim, I won’t point any fingers. Anyone who thinks they know what has caused this in me, is probably wrong on their assumptions.
I don’t even know what else to write, I’m just tired. I welcome an eternal sleep, because at least in my dreams, I can go to places that I’ll never be able to find in real life. Places that I feel alive. I’m just sick of spending so much time counting sheep, and not reaping the benefits from doing so.
Don’t wake me, I plan on sleeping in.